I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
