Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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