Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
