HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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