he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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