The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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