In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize