I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
