Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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