you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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