I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
