guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
