it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
