My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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