she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
