I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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