MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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