I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
