I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
