i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
