so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
