My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dick very happy bro
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
