evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Apparently you make a good broom.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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