I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
