You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
