She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize