I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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