Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
