The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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