Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
