the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize