And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
well you can't waste a boner
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
