"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
