im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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