mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
