how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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