If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
