sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
