I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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