I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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