so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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