If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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