you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
