I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize