She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
