i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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