ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
