do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
