smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
