last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have peed in a lot of sinks
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
