Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
