I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
