Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
