Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
did you just send me my own nude
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
