someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
