me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
