If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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