my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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