someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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