I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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