he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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