I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
